I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
