tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
