I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
