My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
