Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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