no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
