This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
