no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
