You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
