seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize