The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
