I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
