Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
