you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
