Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
