Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
