I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
