i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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