If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
