I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
