Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
