you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
