The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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