This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
