The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
