I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
