Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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