Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize