So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's rum buckets o'clock
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
