Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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