remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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