He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
