So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Please don't give away my fajitas
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