i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
