6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
