youre lurking in front of me
I am spending my child support on dildos
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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