You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
sarcasm needs its own font
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
