Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
