I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize