A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So much rum. So many feels.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
