He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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