So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
