just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
