1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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