He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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