Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
