pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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