I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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