I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize