i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
