im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize