Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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