Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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