My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
