Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
