3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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