god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
