Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
