Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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