Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
