somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
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