We're like a lot better than the average bears
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
