piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
